


nonsense

by tototo



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-04 21:42:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4154025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tototo/pseuds/tototo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pratically Ian writing down his thoughts as very short letters to Mickey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hey Mick,  
it’s been a while. 

I’m not trying to beg a forgivness from you. Damn, I don’t even know if you’re actually mad at me for what I’ve done. Probably not. You’re so compliant sometimes. No ok, I’m kidding. You’re compliant when there’s something about me. 

I’m an asshole. This is all my fault. And I need to be fixed. 

I’m not on my meds, you know? At least, not yet. I’m thinkin’ about it. Maybe I should try. Maybe.

I’m a fucking mess. I’m not me anymore. Hell. I guess I’ll not be myself for a lot of time. 

I probably should’ve listen to you. I hurt you. I feel like I had trampled you. 

I feel like I’m in the Ocean, holding my breath. My bubble of fresh air was you.  
I’ll drown. 

Don’t know what I’m trying to do with this. Never mind. 

I just miss you. A lot.

And I love you, for what it worth. 

 

Ian


	2. Chapter 2

Post-it

Put your thoughts on paper, Ian. 

Yeah ok.  
I'm pratically writing everyhwere I could. I have to write it down because I'm afraid to lost my thoughts.  
It's like a diary. I don't have one. Or better, I had a copybook once, I don't know where it is. I don't even like it though. It was full of stuff that makes no sense. 

This is better. Everytime I write something, it's for you. I guess it's better for me. I need to do this because it will not be only in my head. 

It seems more real if you can read it. 

Today is just another bad day Mick. I'm afraid to take care or myself. I'm scared. Family still sucks, they still look at me like I'm a fucking psycho, or like I'm made of glass.  
They don't understand. With you everything was different. 

I was different.

Asshole. Asshole. 

Jesus, I have to stop this. 

How are you, Mick? You good? I hope you are. 

I know you're not. 

 

I'm sorry,

Ian 


	3. Chapter 3

Yeeyee Mick.

I've just got home. I've been out tonight. Alone.

I'm a little drunk, maybee. Remember the last time we got drunk together? we were supposed to go out on a date. Our first date, Mickey.  
It should've happend. Instead..

 

I can imagine it. You and me, completely fucked and covered in blood, and happy. 

People looking at us, making strange faces. 

 

A little like those people that were looking at me while I left the Alibi. Don't know whyy. I imagine having some kind of conversation with you. 

Oh yeah. That's it. I was talking aloneee. 

But no. I wasn't really talking alone. You were here. I know you were here. With me.

I could taste your lips on mine at some point. Is that even possible Mick?' It is?

 

You were smiling. At me. That beautiful kinky smile you always reserved for me. Mee. 

I know you were there. I know. 

 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

I'm wetting this piece of paper. I can't cry right now. 

I can't. 

Getting drunk should've been being happy and losing my mind. I shouldn't think about you. I shouldn't.

 

Then why you're always here, even when you're not?

Why, Mickey? Why?

Why.


	4. Chapter 4

Guess what. 

I want to go to the clinic. I need it. I know I do.

I miss only the courage to say it out loud. Who the fuck I've became? 

God, Mickey. I can't ask for your help. I can't. After all that I've done to you. 

 

I dream about you, you know? Almost every night. It's kinda nice to know that I can still have some connection with you, even if in my dreams. 

It makes me feel better, and it gives me hope.   
Hope that, no matter what, you'll always be there for me, in a way or another.   
You're still there, even if you don't know.

This makes me feel so selfish. I am. 

You'll help me to go to the clinic, even if you don't know. 

Strange how you are the only person who has power over me. 

I'm going there because I know it's the only way to resume my life again. To start over.   
To pick up from where we left. If you still want me. 

Maybe you don't. Of course you don't.

Bye Mickey.

 

love,   
Ian


	5. Chapter 5

It's been a week.

I'm in Mickey, i'm in the clinic. 

They got me a new cocktail, I'm on my meds right now. 

It's like I'm empty. They say it's normal, it's going to be like this for a little bit. I don't give a shit, really.

It's something I've got to do, and now I'm here.

 

Every day I spend an hour or so with a shrink, my shrink. Yeah. I've got a personal shrink, Mickey.  
Can you imagine that?

Every day, for an hour, she make me talk about myself, my feelings, my fears.  
Every little facet of my entire, stupid life.

I talk a lot about you. 

She ask me about you. 

I didn't told her everything. It's not that I don't want to.   
It's just that I can't.

I really can't.

It's like a secret. Our story, every little thing between you and me, every look, caress, kiss. 

It's just our. Yours and mine.

I don't want to talk about this with anyone but you.

 

I explained to her that I'm not telling everything, she understood.

 

She know about these letters, though.   
She keep telling me that I should send them to you.

Maybe I will. 

Maybe.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY, Mickey got the letters.
> 
> I know, it's been a month. I'm sorry. 
> 
> This chapter is divided in two parts. there's a letter from Mickey BEFORE he got them.  
> Then a letter after.

BEFORE

 

hey.

This is like the.. don’t know. Maybe the hundredth time I try to write something to you. 

You know, I’m still not sure of how I feel about you. 

I miss you. I do. Even if you hurt me. A lot.

Despite of the pain, I’m still doing questions to myself. 

I thought that was me. I was the only one that coudl hurt people, that could hurt you. And now? 

Now what, Ian? 

I’ve done so much for not losing you. Yeah, yeah, I know.  
Everything I did, I did it for myself. I agree, of course. 

But also, I did it for you. For not losing you. how could you be so blind?

I tried. I really tried. I don’t care if you’re sick.  
I wanted you to be safe. I needed you to be safe.

I was worried and I’m still worried about you. Even if you left me. 

How could you just left me? You left me, alone. Again. 

 

Fuck you, Ian. Fuck you!

 

I can’t do that again. I can’t. 

 

I love you. You know that I do. 

 

I’m sorry if I wasn’t the right person for you.  
You surely were the right person for me.

 

Mickey

 

*

 

AFTER

 

Ian. 

I've got the letters. Found those on my bed.  
Pretty sure you snuck in when no one was home, I know you too well. Or, at least, I used to.

Just wanted you to know that I read them. All of them. Many times actually. 

It makes me laugh, since I wrote a letter to you too, like a week before. I attached it with this letter. Thought you should read it. 

 

I thought a lot about you. Like always. 

I'm glad that you're trying, to be on your meds and all. 

This therapy. It's a good thing to you. 

Still, I'm sad. I was there for you, I was there to be with you through all this shit. And you didn't let me. 

 

And now yeah. You're fixing yourself. I wasn't able to do that. 

Fuck, I wasn't even able to fix myself when I was in deep shit. How could have I pretend to something like that for someone else?

 

I'm feeling stupid. 

 

As you're saying, you're still in love with me.

I'm still in love with you.

No shit. Where does this leave us?

Same point. Nowhere.

 

It hurts. You have no idea how it hurts. 

Nope, the worse part is that you know. 

 

I'm sorry.

Mickey


End file.
